I’m aware I’m stupid

This is one of those things were you don’t understand something and the person explaining it starts talking slower just in case you didn’t understand the first time. But the instructions in the first place didn’t make any sense. I know I’m not completely stupid due to how I do in school but I sometimes feel like I am stupid. I’m not one of those people who get things with a snap. Sometimes things take another explanation, a drawing of how things work and even that is hard to understand sometimes. Spelling tests and maths aren’t my forte basically.

Through the fourth grade, we had 20 words that we had to know how to spell every week and go through the activities. If you got any word wrong then you had to write it out five things correctly so you got used to writing it out properly. Most tests that I did were mostly 5/20 or less which only meant I had to rewrite out the entire test five times. I filled out so many English books through the two years I spent with this teacher and I think he thought I had something wrong with me. In a parent teacher interview, my teacher told my mum that he thought it was better if I didn’t do the tests and did worksheets involving spelling instead. The problem with these worksheets was that they were far too easy and I was finishing about 10-20 in a week. This lasted a few days and he asked me why I was working on worksheets instead of the actual spelling work. When I tried to explain to him that this was what he told me to do instead. He didn’t question it but I think he must of thought I was making it up so I wouldn’t have to do the work. There was the next year and he said the same thing to my mum and also to two of my friends that we didn’t have to do the tests anymore and do worksheets. A test came and us three didn’t do it because he told us we didn’t have to. At the end of it, he asked the entire class who told the three of us that we didn’t have to do the test and we told him that he said it to us separately. This didn’t really help me through my troubles with spelling. I was also in a English as a Second Language class (ESL) even though English was my first language and a reading class. Neither of these classes were very effective. There was also the fact I had no idea why I was in either of those classes and my mum didn’t even know about it until I asked her why I was in an ESL class (but all the Greek kids from my Greek class were in that class and I think we all didn’t know why we were in this class).

Maths was something I used to be good at in primary school. Through primary school, I was that kid who would finish the work quickly and have five different maths books. Once I got to high school though, I didn’t understand anything and failed every single maths test which I cried with and the teacher didn’t understand why. To be fair, I didn’t go to the maths help that the school provided because I didn’t want to be that kid who needed help with every single problem. (I mean seriously, we were expected to know how to do negative numbers and how they work by the eighth grade when I didn’t even know how they worked) I swear my teachers only passed me out of pity because I honestly didn’t understand any maths work. I could do the work but when it came to a test environment, I had no idea what I was doing. I also didn’t study for anything and that probably has everything to do with me not understanding anything. There was an assignment in the tenth grade about volume or something and I gave my teacher the work and she assumed everything was correct which really annoyed me. She gave me a passing grade but I know that she never read it which doesn’t help anybody’s learning or understanding of the task. There was another assignment in the eleventh grade called The Rainwater Tank assignment which was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done but bedsides the point. I didn’t understand anything about it and asked my family which I soon found out were rubbish at maths. I got really stressed out and started crying because I just felt so stupid that I couldn’t figure out this stupid assignment. My entire family yelled at me for crying which didn’t help either.

What I’ve learned from my many failures at school work and failed understanding of problems is that school shouldn’t make you feel like you’re stupid or that there was something wrong with you just because you don’t understand the way work has been set out. Don’t let anyone treat you like you’re anything but intelligent. You are smart and you are valued as a human. You may not be good at school work but you’re smart in your own way.

Thanks

Toomuchtime

I’m straight?

This thought has been bouncing around my head for the last couple of years now. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve never had a crush on anyone before which made me think that there was actually wrong me. I wasn’t like other girls when they were talking about the boys in their class that they had a crush on or if they liked them back. I was just there and observing the others girls, wondering if there would be that one guy who would have a crush on me or if I would have a crush on literally anyone.

There was a boy in my class (who I won’t name just in case he finds this) who I’ve known since about the fourth grade. According to my friends, he had a crush on me which I didn’t see at all. We worked on many school projects together and I didn’t see that he was just trying to date me in primary school. Perhaps I was oblivious to him because I only saw him as a friend. There was one point where I invited him and a few of my other friends to my house just to watch a movie. He moved really close to me and put his arm around me. I got super uncomfortable but didn’t say anything for some reason. There was another time where he just showed up at my house with his shirt all ironed and wanted to spend some time with me. This lasted about 20 minutes because my family was going out somewhere. He gave me his phone number and I deleted it once he was home.

Later in high school, there was another boy (the irony was this boy has the name as the boy from my primary school. I won’t name him either because of the reasons I’ve stated already) who I think was hitting on me through the eleventh grade to the point where he asked me out over Facebook messenger.I got really uncomfortable with it and got one of my friends to deny him for me. It was ten o’clock at night and I wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation because I was listening to a podcast. I didn’t speak to him for the entire day until he pulled me aside from my friends and apologized for being so abrupt about the whole thing. He said it was cool if I said no because it literally came out of nowhere.

These have been my only experiences in a romantic setting with literally anyone. Both scenerios made me incredibly uncomfortable and there weren’t exactly good experiences. I do have friends that are boys and I’ve never been uncomfortable around boys but the idea of being in a relationship with a boy makes me feel odd. The idea of being with a girl in a relationship is also something that sounds really weird to me because I’ve never thought of myself in that kind of relationship. My entire life was something that was always laid out through the idea that I’ll be married to a man and have children.

I have thought about other sexualities that could be me. Bisexual is one that I thought of for a long time but it didn’t seem to fit with how I thought of myself. I started researching asexuality because that seemed to fit better with how I saw myself. I started looking up asexual videos on YouTube and looking up whether or not an asexual person can be in a relationship. I learned more about it and feel like it’s suited to me but I’m still not sure if it’s really me or not. Sometimes these things take years to figure out and I’m completely fine to wait until I’m comfortable with myself.

If I ever did feel the need to come out to anyone then I know my dad will have problems with it. He’s homophobic and doesn’t actually understand that it’s a real thing. He kept making jokes about trans people even though I know he doesn’t actually understand what it actually means or what those people go through. It really bugs me that he’s like this and I feel that if I ever came out to him then he’d only joke about it but actually accept me. I know my mum will and that’s kinda all that matters.

Thanks

Toomuchtime

Yes, I know I’m overweight

My family likes to point out some of my flaws to me every now and again to me just to make sure I know them. None of it is good for my mental health but I don’t think they really understand that saying these things to me constantly only makes me doubt myself in what I’m wearing and how I present myself to the world. The main one that is pointed out to me is my weight which may be common for other people but its not something you simply tell someone. I read some where (most likely Tumblr considering that’s where I spent most of my time on) if there is a small issue that can be fixed such as lettuce is someone’s teeth then you should say something but if you start bringing up somebody’s weight then you should keep your mouth shut. You should never say anything about an issue that can’t be fixed instantly. 

My family don’t even understand that I’m trying to fix the problem by running every week just to keep healthy (another New Years Resolution that hasn’t been going well but that hasn’t been my fault). I only get asked if I’ve put on weight which is another thing I have a problem with but its beside the point. Last weekend, I had my cousin’s christening  and I put on the dress I wore to semi-formal which was two years ago. As soon as I put it on, my mum started instantly talking about how it looked tight and how I “needed” to put on these modesty pants. I actually don’t know what they’re called but they’re the pants like things you put under clothes so it “smoothes things out”. Now I felt really good in this and thought that I looked good. I had a “I feel pretty” moment which made me feel pretty good actually. Its sorta rare that I even have those moments which are only shattered by comments like that.

I went on holidays with my dad to the US (I have stories about that) and he kept bringing up how he thought I needed to eat healthier and how I should care about my appearance. This annoyed me because he was eating pretty much the exact things as I was and was making the decisions of where we ate. So as a parent, he should of taken us to places with a healthier option. From my memory, my parents have both been overweight for most of my life. My mum tells me a lot that I don’t want to end up like her and how we should both do Zumba or something which just makes me uncomfortable just thinking about. I have never been comfortable with my own body and I’ve always felt like I’m the biggest girl out of my friendship group even though I’m not. I know I’m not but I still think like that. I feel like I’m not even given a chance to fix the problem because I never shown an interest in sports as a kid. I remember trying to find really strange sports like fencing so my mum wouldn’t be able to find a place that taught it. She always did.

I know I eat a lot and I’m not healthy but I kinda don’t care about what others say to me about my weight because its taken me this long to realise that my weight is none of their problem. They should just keep to themselves and mind their own business. Yes, I know I’m overweight but I’m trying to fix the problem.

Thanks

Toomuchtime

I am new to this

So this is my blog where I explode my thoughts about anything that is on my mind which I find is a very busy place. There are thoughts on the podcasts I listen to and book and tv characters that I’m both concerned and want to know more about. I find myself wanting to know more about a characters backstory and what events caused them to become the person they are portrayed as. I love a good story and I love being on the edge of how something will turn out. Cliffhangers are both a wonderful thing and a heartbreaking thing depending on the event that has caused it. I knew for a long time that I’d like to create stories that people will hopefully love. I’ve been inspired by many novels such as The Percy Jackson series and Heroes of Olympus series written by Rick Riordan, The Book Thief written by Markus Zusak and so many others that I can’t name off the top of my head.

There’s also my loud family that inspire me. My entire family is Greek which makes my life pretty accurate to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Especially the sequel which nearly made me cry several times (no spoilers but its great and made me really happy). My parents separated when I was two and now I have two families I know love me very much but it can get pretty hectic trying to keep up with everyone and trying to remember how you’re related to that person. Life is pretty good considering all of that chaos but I still love them all and I am proud of my background even though my family can get embarrassing sometimes. What family isn’t though?

I’m in my last year of education and I’m scared out of my mind with I want to do with my life once its all over because I totally know what I’m going to do with my life. My dad wants me to live with him for a year so he can show me how his business works. All I’m going to do through this “experience” is getting coffee for everyone in the office and babysit my younger brothers. He keeps bringing it up and I don’t know how to tell him I’m simply not interested in going into a business kind of situation and as much as I love my younger brothers, I don’t want to be babysitting them every weekend. Also the last time I spent longer than two weeks away from my mum, I basically had a breakdown in a shop with my friends and they weren’t even sure why I was crying (I’ll probably talk about that more in detail in a different post).

I’m creating this blog for therapeutic reasons and also for a school assignment. I want to see if by creating a blog if that will improve my mental health. I tried journaling at the beginning of this year as a New Years Resolution but that didn’t work and I kept forgetting to do it. The book that I was using for it mocks me on the other side of my room and who knows? Maybe doing this will make me want to blog more.

If you want to be apart of this journey then knock yourself out. But thanks

Toomuchtime