The state of the world is currently scary (how it has been impacting me)

I will be saying right now that I will not be mentioning the virus by name. I don’t want that getting more publicity. It is quite scary seeing the news and only hearing the bad. I have honestly been trying to actively avoid it but it. I am finding the news to be too much for me to handle. I hope you all are staying safe and staying inside. If you have the privilege then please work from home and for goodness sakes please wash your hands for 20 seconds with soap.

My university moved all classes online before there was a confirmed case. For those who don’t know I live in Australia so it isn’t as bad as it is in other countries. I feel almost robbed of my first year of university. I’m doing an education degree so it’s a bit hard to move all of those classes online (I’m currently doing a dance class online and it is so confusing). I feel robbed because I felt like my life was finally on track. I was in the degree I dreamed about, I was ready to make friends. I was ready. The universe said no. I feel frustrated because I found people I really wanted to get to know because they seemed cool. I thought about joining a sport which is crazy for me. I wanted to play badminton because it was the only sport in high school that I felt like I had some talent in. I was ready to get my life in order for my future. Now I feel like I’m getting set back yet again. I feel as if the universe doesn’t want me to be happy which is silly. Everything happens for a reason. Many people dropped out or deferred to next semester because they can’t learn online. I’m struggling with this. Learning online is a skill I never mastered. Online learning is also strange. It doesn’t feel real. Also not many of my tutors know how to use online classes so they’re all super close to the camera while trying to figure out who’s online. Hopefully this will all be over soon and I will be at my university with a routine that allows me to leave the house 4 days a week.

I’m introverted and this is my worst nightmare. I haven’t been truly alone for weeks. I crave the time where the house is all mine and I can do what I want. Now I’m constantly home with a fear to leave the house. I don’t want that. I have spoken to my friends over snapchat but I never realised how much I crave human interaction from them. I can’t hug anyone. I’m an affectionate person and I’m struggling. Mentally, I could be better. I’ve cried maybe six time through the weeks I’ve been home. I feel stressed out when my nose is blocked from hay fever and instantly think that I may have it. I am so anxious that I’m just simply afraid. Although I’ve been lying to myself saying that it was about Steven Universe ending which made me SOB. I’ll talk about that show and its impact on me in a different blog. I need to get my feelings out about that show without sobbing. I feel, in a way to simplify how I’m feeling, helpless. There’s nothing I can do to help. I can’t go out and help someone. I have people in my family with compromised immune systems. I can’t do that to them. My grandfather who had recently had cancer (he had surgery to get it removed and it fine now but I’m a worrier) is already a germaphobe. He doesn’t hug us before we’ve entered the house. That was before this whole virus came out. He doesn’t want us at their house until it’s safe and takes naps in the car (he has been doing this for years now and it’s a bit funny).

My last message is for you dear reader. I wish for you to be safe. I hope that no one in your family or friends is impacted. I hope you are doing well. Please don’t outside unless you seriously have to. Don’t be that person hoarding toilet paper because you’re a dick and society is making fun of you. Take care of yourselves and stay safe.

Thanks

Toomuchtime

I got into my dream degree . . . and didn’t tell anyone

After a year of a pathway course that I didn’t quite enjoy, I was accepted into my dream degree. I didn’t even tell anyone that I had even applied. I just did it independently.  I got secretive all of the sudden. I no joke didn’t tell a soul. I don’t know why I did that. I fear rejection. I fear someone telling me that I’m not good enough or being told that my abilities aren’t enough. Fear is a friend of mine. They stay when I wish they didn’t. They sit, make themselves a cup of tea, and stay with me until I gather the courage to say leave. Carrie Hope Fletcher describes this very well in her book All That She Can See (don’t worry not a spoiler but I certainly recommend that book because it is wonderful). They’re medlums. Creatures that are the embodiment of feelings that we don’t like. Fear and Loneliness are mine. I didn’t realise that my medlums were something I needed to have courage to tell to leave.

I have always been a lonely person. Always surrounded by people I called my friends but cared more about them then they ever would care about me. My friends in primary school were ones that I had only because the class was so divided with cool kids and otherwise. I was not a cool kid. There felt like a complete line between my class of thirty kids. The friends I had were simply the ones left behind. I did like my primary school friends. They were my friends after all. Things just changed when high school happened. That’s to be understandable. High school changed a lot of things for all of us. My primary school was only two hundred kids at the most. I knew all of them and if I didn’t, I would have most likely known their sibling. My high school had over a thousand kids just in year 8. That was just scary. I wouldn’t admit that but I was a bit scared of it all. Friends that came from my primary school found friends much cooler compared to me. I was alone for the first half of the first term I think. I never actually had to make friends at primary. Never had to go out of my way to talk to someone. We all knew each other since we were five. There was no need for that. That’s when I felt my Loneliness medlum a lot. I met my best friend in that year and my loneliness didn’t seem so big anymore.

High school certainly changed things. More after I should say. I had never experienced heartbreak like that before. Losing friends is always a hard thing to deal with. After that all happened, fear set in. It made itself at home. I was then scared about whether I could have the courage to make a friend or have a friend who was a girl ever again. I think what happened scarred me. Girls are a bit more complicated to make friends with. Not that boys are any easier (I sound like ‘I’m not like other girls..‘ but I swear this just how I feel) but I know I felt more comfortable being friends with boys. I am learning day by day that not all girls have the intention to hurt me like that. I do have friends who are girls and I love them all dearly. I met some really nice girls through my pathway course last year and that was a good step for me.

University isn’t going to be easy. I already know I am going to be stressed out by assignments and juggling my life. I think the reason why I didn’t tell anyone I had even applied was because I didn’t want my disappointment to overwhelm the people around me. If I was rejected then the disappointment would have only been my own. The sadness would have only been my own to deal with. I wouldn’t have others giving their input in something that would have hurt me to my core. I was so afraid to be rejected. I don’t know if I would have handled it well. I had written my application months before the due date. I wasn’t even sure if I did it right. I was so completely stressed about my future that it impacted how I did in my pathway course. I passed my course which is very good. I got in which is even better. I feel bad for not telling the people very close to me. I get into very secretive moods. I don’t tell anyone anything then will randomly tell them about it once it had all passed.

Maybe one day I won’t do this. It’s not the greatest thing and I know that keeping everything to myself. If it did go wrong then all of the hurt would be mine and that is a big burden for one person.

I’ll get better at it one day

Thanks

Toomuchtime

A year on from something bad

October 2nd will also be a day that I will have to think about. The double take to my day. That’s today. It’s been a whole year since I lost most of my friends and received a death threat over something that didn’t concern her. I thought I would be an actual mess today. Full of anxiety and constantly thinking about it. I haven’t. It’s nearly 5 o’clock and I’m only now thinking about it. The day was scary. I felt so many emotions all at once and I was shown what real friends look like. October 2nd used to be something I was scared to think about. Now it’s here and I realised it’s just another day. There are more important things to be worried about. There are much better things to be looking forward to.

I tend to focus on the negatives when something happens to me and that is something I am learning to stop doing. I’m a realist when it comes to thinking. I’m trying to become a realist when it comes to remembering the things in my life. My life last year felt prolonged and an event was stretched out much longer than what it should have been. I had been alienated by those friends who were bad and I just accepted it. Why did I accept it? It was much easier that way to do so. They didn’t want my time then fine. They wanted to exclude me. Fine. They want to make me feel like the bad guy even though I had done nothing wrong. Fine. I will be okay. It may hurt now but I will be okay.

It did hurt. So much. Emotional pain hurts more than being physically hurt by someone. These people thought it was okay to step over me. Take advantage of my kindness and hospitality. Take advantage of me as a person. The moment I stood up and said no they sent a wave. I nearly drowned. My year last year was a bit nuts. After the death threat, I went to go Panic! at the Disco live in concert with my cousin. I went interstate to escape because that’s what I needed. I needed to get away from the state and the black cloud. There was only so much pain my heart could take before it broke. I found the pieces slowly and it’s getting there to stick it back together. Slowly but surely my heart will be full and put back together soon.

I’ve learned to know that what happened through all of 2018 was actually not my fault. I knew it wasn’t my fault but finally letting myself accept that I did nothing wrong was liberating. I didn’t cause these people pain. I didn’t cause trauma or intentionally try to stir the pot. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was hard to accept last year since it was all shoved in my face. That I had apparently done the unspeakable. How dare I invite people I want to my own house? How dare I not cater to your every whim? I’m almost glad I don’t know those people anymore. I talked about this in Tainted Memories  but there are dates and media that just remind me of them. That won’t go away and I know that without doubt. It doesn’t matter though. I will be here and trying to live my best live and that feels like a real achievement on my part.

It’s gotten much easier to talk about as well. I’ve been talking with my friends and writing about my thoughts into notes and all that to help me. Explaining what happened to me to people I don’t know very well has been going well so far. Girls are becoming easier to trust again. I wrote a letter to my former girl best friend and wrote everything that I was so furious about that she had done to me. In saying that, I did write about what happened last year for an assignment and that did not leave me in a very good headspace. So here’s some advice:

Don’t write about your trauma for school. It won’t end well and it will leave you thinking about it constantly. You don’t want that. Trust me as someone who has done it twice now. Just don’t do it

The letter was helpful to get my frustrations out. I want to print it out one day and burn it along with the photos that I have of them. I don’t need that reminder of them anymore.

I think that’s all I wanted to write. I have moved on and feel so much better because of it.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

Empowered women don’t empower me (My thoughts on Captain Marvel)

Man, I have a bit to unpack about what I thought about this movie. For those who really don’t care about the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain Marvel came out earlier this year. She is the first Marvel superhero to star in her movie. (*cough cough* should have been Black Widow but whatever). I’m not going to go too in depth about her story because I didn’t actually care all that much about it. This will be me talking about her character. I will talk about some aspects of the story where I need to. This is my character analysis of Captain Marvel.

One point that I felt very strongly about was the actress. Nothing against Brie Larson. She is talented and shows appreciation for everyone who worked on the movie. I can appreciate that. Her speech where she included the women who were her stunt doubles was really lovely. I don’t doubt that she is kind or a good person. I just don’t think she was the best choice for Captain Marvel. The other movie I recognise Larson in is Room (2015). The movie was okay. I found it rather long and not peeking toward my interests.  It was a fascinating movie but she didn’t stand out to me. I’m not sure what it was. There was something how she played the role. Brie Larson is a good actress but I don’t think she should have been Captain Marvel. I believe Natalie Dormer was on the list and she would have been incredible. I say this because of the Hunger Games movies where I can actually see Dormer in action. I have never seen Larson in an action movie so maybe that is something that makes question if she can really play a superhero.

It’s also a story I’ve seen before. If you have seen the new She-Ra on Netflix then you’ll understand what I mean. Also just watch it because it’s a really great show. Without spoiling season 1 too much (although I don’t think it’s too much of a spoiler considering it happens early on), Adora realises the side she’s been fighting are actually the bad guys. The whole story of why they were fighting was a lie. She was being fed a lie the moment she reached the Horde. Carol also has this realisation. Her side was bad. They lied to her and made her into a weapon. I saw Captain Marvel and couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it reminded me of. Then it hit me. I think She-Ra does a much better job of portraying this story but also, this is a story I’ve seen before. Girl gets told she can’t do something. Girl proves them wrong. That’s most stories that have come out recently and stories I’ve seen since I was a kid. I’m a late 90’s kid. Most stories directed at young girls were just proving that girls can do anything a boy can do. This is something I hold in a very high regard, don’t get me wrong. That scene at the end where she says ‘I don’t need to prove myself to you’ was powerful. That’s something girls need to hear. There is no need to explain yourself to a man because they don’t believe you. Captain Marvel just didn’t hit the mark for me personally.

Since when were sarcastic comments and small bouts of anger considered “overly emotional”. I consider myself an emotional person. I’m not that empath level where I can feel others emotions and feel their hurt. No no. I do understand emotions however. When I think “overly emotional” I think of…actual emotion. Tears. Fury. Joy. Being afraid. Carol Danvers isn’t overly emotional. (I’m realising that most of this is me composing about the writers lmao it is. It could’ve been so great and it was average) When her mentor (I legit don’t remember his name whoops) tells her to think with her head instead of her heart, I actually agreed with him. She seemed driven by something she couldn’t change which I can understand but that can’t be the only thing that wants you to do better. The bouts of anger she had were justified. I am gonna talk about that deleted scene where men on the internet were calling her a “bully” and a “villain”. She was not either of these. She is a woman standing up for herself and if you can’t relate (men complaining about her) then you haven’t spoken to enough women in your life. I stand by Carol’s decision but overly emotional is something she isn’t. Sarcastic comments aren’t a personality and yes, you can complain that characters such as Jason Bourne are the same. Mysterious and no personality. Jason Bourne actually does have a personality. That’s where you’re wrong. Being mysterious helped the plot of the movie. It didn’t help Captain Marvel progress further in the plot.

I thought she was WAY too overpowered once she discovered her powers. Actually she was overpowered before she fully realised her powers. She was over hyped and made me think she had a bigger role to play in Endgame. She didn’t and did the actual bare minimum. The most important thing Carol did was (SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME if that’s still a thing. Also fuck the guy who spoiled that movie for me. You’re a dick) bring Tony home. That’s literally it. She overkilled it by destroying Thanos’ ship and basically took him down in a couple of hits. Her haircut was also pretty bad in Endgame. I know it’s like that in the comic but it does not translate well in the big screen apparently. I know I’m not the only one who thought it was bad. They could have toned down her powers dramatically in her origin movie and I think it would have made a much better impact. I think that was one of the main things that bothered me. She was too much from the get go.

Empowered women don’t empower me. That’s one of the first thoughts I had after finishing the movie. I don’t feel that surge of ‘girl power’ or women empower when I see Captain Marvel. I literally felt wrong about it. She is a powerful woman but I don’t get the empowerment that I think I should from seeing a movie like that. I honestly felt that from Wonder Woman. That movie is so wonderful and makes me happy. Diana is a powerhouse but she still has humanity. She is overpowered, yes, but she has these moments that make her seem like a real person. Gal Gadot is the perfect choice. She is a better example of women empowerment because she’s never lived with the constructs that we do. Men are always right. Women keep their mouths shut. Diana is also Greek and that speaks to me. Usually Greeks in media are shown as the stereotypical joke of ‘wogs’ and that’s exhausting. Wonder Woman showed that us Greeks are more than that. She literally lives on an Amazonian island with only women. All of them support each other and help each other improve their skills. That’s what women empowerment is right? Building women up instead of tearing them down.

(Insert gif of Diana saying ‘a baby’)

I think my main problem with this movie is me. The people who hurt me last year were excited to see it. I let that get to me in that ‘whatever they like I now hate because I am reminded by them far too often’ part of grieving. One of them was so excited to see it and I hated it because she was. I think if what happened last year didn’t happen I still wouldn’t like that movie. Despite how much praise my no longer friend would give it. I still wouldn’t be blown away by it because there was nothing to blow me away. Average movie with an average plot. Captain Marvel isn’t a mind blowing movie. It didn’t change the genre completely. The only thing it did was be the first female lead in marvel cinematic history. Marvel would have made more of an impact making a Black Widow movie in 2012. Could you imagine Marvel doing that because that would be wicked. At least they are finally making a Black Widow movie but it feels quite late.

Obviously these are my own opinions and if you thought the movie was the greatest thing on the planet then that’s okay. All opinions are valid. I just didn’t think as great as everyone hyped it up to be.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

Tainted Memories

It’s been nine months since October 2nd. I’m much better both mentally and emotionally compared to back then. I suppose they’re right. Time does heal wounds. I didn’t realise how much hurt words could cause me. “Where are you now with them?” I hear no one asking but I am going to share regardless.

Well, my dear readers, they are out of my life. I can breathe around them now. Exhaling and Inhaling. Although seeing the girl who wished death upon me does cause me to shake and my breath to catch. All memories of the pain she caused me flood back into my brain. I think she’s going to hurt me like that again and break me further. That’s what happened the last time I saw her. It was a mutual friends party. I was civil. He knew the damage she caused me but it’s fine. I’m a big girl. It was time to act like a grownup and pretend like they didn’t bother me. What amazes me is that they really didn’t bother me. I last saw them physically two months ago. They didn’t try to talk to me at all. In a way, I’m so glad they didn’t. There’s no way in hell I would have coped if they tried. I had people there who I felt comfortable with. I had company. Their continuous looks toward me didn’t feel as sharp as they were at the beginning of the night. They were daggers when I arrived and that is when I felt the most afraid. Except for one who I genuinely thought was still my friend. I should stop thinking this. He didn’t invite me to his birthday thing but invited somone I know doesn’t want to talk to him. I did the grownup thing by wishing him happy birthday. The mutual friend thought I couldn’t go because I was interstate which I was. I explained that to him and he couldn’t believe it. Turns out boys will stay loyal to their ex but not a friend of nearly ten years. I had a moment where I felt a little alone. People who I knew well hadn’t arrived just yet and I couldn’t exactly follow the birthday boy around like a lost puppy. I was okay. I think that is the most important part of this. I was alright. It was actually a really fun night. I forgot what it was like to have people around you who are nice.

I thought I attracted nice people. Turns out I really don’t. I attract people who pretend to be nice but stay loyal to a certain value or a longer friendship. Not much loyalty towards me however. It would explain my choice of friends who were girls. I had most of my friends who are girls either leave me or gave me no choice but to leave. That transition from primary school to high school was significant. I left the friends I went to primary school with because I thought I was so genuinely annoying and slow. Slow in a way of maturity of content. I was watching Harry Potter Puppet Pals while all of my other friends were watching Happy Tree Friends or My Little Pony (honestly don’t ask. I watched an episode and it was very much not my kind of thing. I did it to engage with what my friends were watching). I tried to enjoy their stuff no matter how scared it made me but they never really tried to go back to my level. My interests were not the same as theirs I was childish and a stickler for the rules. I didn’t want to leave the house at 1am to go to a nearby park at sleepovers because it wasn’t safe. I wasn’t that fun to hang around with.

I still think that to this day. I think I’m irritating and slow because I don’t interact with content I know I don’t like. An example of this is Deadpool. Now, this movie is not my kind of movie whatsoever. I’m not a fan of excessive blood, gore and crude humour. Give a cartoon that will make my heart hurt over that any day. I saw that movie to engage with my friends and I didn’t like it. There is a sex scene that goes for 10 minutes and it was a lot. Granted, I was 17 at the time but that was just a lot. Most of the humour went over my head anyway. I don’t really want to see someone get ripped to shreds. Emotional baggage however is something I love in movies. I can’t tell if this comes from my need to be liked by everyone (#justLibrathings oh I am gonna try to make that a thing if it isn’t) or if I was looking for approval from people I held in high regard. This could be another issue entirely. This could me looking for approval to belong. It’s like those nerdy kids in movies trying to be with the cool kids. I think it was a mixture of all these things.

I was thinking earlier today about certain things make me think about the people who aren’t my friends. It’s strange after someone hurts you or is no longer in your life how things become tainted. Well not tainted but it feels different. I can’t listen to any songs from Moana without thinking about them. Skullduggery Pleasant. Captain Marvel. (More on that topic in another blog). Certain characters in the Marvel universe. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Rick and Morty. Bojack Horseman. Stripped sweaters. Lines from shows. Characters from media I know they enjoy. Birthdays. Repeated memories from my house with them. I can’t live my life in the past. Reliving memories with people who I don’t want anything to do with anymore. One day I will be able to listen to Moana again without the thought of them. I will be able to be free. I am trying to be this person who is trying to be positive. I’m trying to move forward. Tears no longer fall from my eyes at the thought of it. What hurts the most is explaining it to everyone who doesn’t know about it.

I took these down and replaced them. What a big step for me

 

I had these photos in my room. Photos of them. Reminders. I took them down and replaced them. I can not tell you how wonderful and liberating it felt to have them out. Why should I have reminders of them in my room? So I took everything that reminded me of them. Birthday cards. Photos. Books. Posters. Anything that had their faces on it or reminded me of them. I don’t need them in my room torturing me. That is something I have control over. I have the memories of them in my mind. The memories feel tainted. I will be okay because I am in theirs. Me, the “bully” of a single mistake, will be in their heads. I hope they don’t forget me. I wasted so much time after Febuary feeling like this was something I could reconcile. It wasn’t worth it. I can be the bigger person. I don’t have to hurt myself with “what ifs?”. That isn’t helpful. Recovering from something like this will take time. I have time to heal properly. No more wallowing in the past or tainted memories. I will be alright.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

 

New year, same me

Here we are. I managed to survive 2018. I survived my heinous year filled with heartbreak. I stopped posting my self-care-athon because it was all getting too much with my life and work. All of that fun jazz. Let me catch you guys up on what I’ve been doing since August. Wow. August seems like 100 years ago.  This is a long one folks

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Well firstly, I started doing some online courses at the beginning of this year. I only did two because the third one looked way too intense. So I did a creative writing one which made me hate my writing more than I could ever imagine. I also did a screenwriting one as well which always made me hate all of my work and want to burn it all. Isn’t that super fun? I don’t know what it is about creative writing courses that make you hate what you write but it really made me think I was really bad at what I do. The screenwriting one was at least a little helpful. I now have a short film that I could film one day. That’s pretty neat.

I started to hate what I do for a living. I’m realising with age and wisdom that I can’t work for family. I can’t work for people who don’t let me do anything then complain about my lack of work. I just can’t do it. The arguing that comes with it and the fact I’m the buffer for every situation is infuriating. I simply can’t do it anymore. Family has always been something I can do in very small doses. I can’t do that every day. It’s so exhausting. I don’t want to hate this town as much as I hated the last.

I started to do a bullet journal and it’s bringing me so much joy. I’ve always liked being crafty and artsy. I haven’t done anything with art since I was in school and I learnt to hate it. (Why are all art subjects like this for me? Keep in mind, I got in trouble for drawing in art class once. Keep that in your minds). I associated me being bad at art to bring unable to do it so I stopped. Turns out, I love art as much as I did before I stopped. I love painting in watercolours and learning how to simply draw flowers. Lavenders are really nice to draw. I’ve been making quotes that make me happy and putting them in and just doing that brings me so much joy.

Now, when it comes to people I considered friends that list has gotten a lot smaller. Shit went down early October. Apparently I can’t ask people things without big long paragraphs about what a bad friend I’ve been over the year.  I asked the friend if our plans that we made in January were still happening. I gave a “”friend“” space to breathe and gave her time like she asked and in return I get a long message about how awful I’ve been when I was simply doing what she wanted. Oh but it gets so much worse. So naturally I was really upset. I didn’t reply to the long message about what a bad friend I had been. I know what long messages starting with “hey don’t take this the wrong way but . . .” She also ended the message with “so how do you see our friendship at this point?” I didn’t reply because I was literally sobbing until 1:30 in the morning.

This is what I wrote privately after it happened through my tears

I asked the girl who I’m meant to see mamma mia with if we’re still going. She hasn’t spoken to me since May. She sent me a long ass message about what a bad person I am with the added ‘don’t take this the wrong way’. I’m crying and sad. I’m no longer friends with the girl who used to be my best friend

The next day, oh boy the next day, my sister tells me that the girl who started this whole mess posted something on her snapchat and it may be about me. I had just explained what had happened the night before to her and it was about me. So very clearly about me. On October 2nd of 2018, I got a death threat from a girl who used to be my friend. I think I was in shock for the rest of the day. My wonderful best friend came over to make sure I was okay and I can’t thank him enough for that small gesture. That meant the world to me. I saw my sister be the scariest I’ve ever seen her. She stood up for me because it’s never okay to wish death upon someone. I don’t know why she thought it was okay. She tried to make up lies about things I had called her when I hadn’t spoken a word about her like that. “”She“” made the decision to end our shitty friendship. I knew it was over from February. (I bolded and made italics to maybe make it easier to understand it’s two different people. Both are girls and I got confused writing it to be honest. I hope it comes across clearer than how I was reading it).

The next day, I cried on a bus with a bunch of people staring at me and met a nice girl in a bookshop. Crying on the bus is probably when it all set in. I at least had one of my “”friends“” mums on my side. She didn’t have much of an idea what had been happening but she knew her kid was in the wrong because I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I apologised for something I didn’t even want to just to keep the peace. My sister looked after writing messages to those certain people and she didn’t take any bullshit. I got an “apology” from her after it happened. It actually wasn’t an apology. It was more of a “sorry I got called out on bullshit but here’s the reasons that you’re the awful one here”. It’s no joke 5 paragraphs of bullshit because she got called out on it. She would never admit that she did anything wrong however. That’s simply the type of person she is.

I don’t have the best of luck with friends who are girls. There was another event after we finished school and I am so over it. I’m over blaming myself for letting the friendships destroy themselves. I am so tired of thinking that maybe it was me who was the problem and that maybe she was right. Maybe I was the worst friend imaginable and could have done more to stop this from happening. But it’s happened twice now. Twice. This time is only different because of the length of time. It started late January and ended in October. The worst part is that I had to see these people again.

I saw the two girls at a convention. I wrote something for me in my notes.

“I’m very tired of being sad but seeing the two girls who started the massive mess yesterday honestly broke me. I couldn’t breathe at the sight of them. The one who sent the death threat had her back to me so she didn’t notice. She saw me. I’m iffy about her. I don’t know how to feel but fuck. Being that scared is never that fun”

There was also something I meant to send my best friend but never did because I felt not great mentally. I also saw Boy Erased then saw her and I felt rattled (that’s the best way to describe it)

There was another thing I didn’t tell you yesterday after Kyle’s party. You kept asking if I was alright and I only said yes because I didn’t want you to worry. The movie probably didn’t help with what was going on and neither did seeing Chloe with Lily.

After everyone left it was just me, Kyle, Shaun, Christian, C****, Lily, Michael and the girl who I don’t want to name. It’s scares me how normal that felt. It’s probably the first time I’d ever been properly listened to by literally any of them in forever. I made jokes and got laughs. Michael didn’t even repeat what I said and get a better reaction.

It felt normal like this hellish lonely sad year didn’t happen. C**** didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and for a few hours she felt like a friend once again. It just felt like one normal night. My brain simply erased everything that had happened. That girl is a different story and I’m okay with her not being apart of it.

I think there’s a part of me who hopes she will see what she did was wrong and just apologise. I just want her to realise that my heart is broken in more pieces than I can count and how she stabbed me in the back. I feel like I’m slowly bleeding out. I want her to turn around and realise that I’ve actually done nothing wrong. I know it’s not going to happen but that’s what I think when I see her. I don’t think I’m ready to throw it all away with C**** like she has with me. Lily feels like my replacement. I know objectively that she isn’t but it feels that way. Someone else gets to be her friend and that person isn’t me. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I’m not like you with understanding what they did and how you can cut them out so easily. I wish I could do that but instead I torture myself again and again. I rethink all that happen and try to look for the things I actually did wrong. There isn’t anything which only makes it worse.

I’m so exhausted. This year, I am going to heal the wounds and watch the scars heal themselves. I’m actually going to university this year. I’m going to find a job I won’t hate and my life is going to go up rather than crashing further into the ground. I have done enough crying from mean girls. I’m not entirely okay right now but I will be in the future.

Also, I’m doubting my own sexuality again. When my life gets stressful, my brain thinks it’s a good idea to make me question myself sexuality wise. So very unsure if I’m gay or if I just have girl crushes. This is very new to me.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

Day 25: Water

Water is beautiful. It’s most of the only world we will possibly ever know. Water hydrates us and keeps us alive. We can swim in water so we should try to look after the ocean with all of the pollution we are causing. In some places, water isn’t okay to drink or be near. It can have traces of radiation in it that will stay with you for years. There’s this lake in America near the Martin Luther King Jr memorial where the traces of radiation stay with you for about 10 years. This could be wrong knowledge. There’s places like Flint where the water hasn’t been safe for years and the government continues to ignore the problem. They would rather focus their energy to keeping people out of a healthcare system and not paying them enough for the long hours they work.

I don’t have much to say but I’ll try to remind you all to drink water, help the people who still don’t have clean water and make sure that you stand up about the problems around you. If you see someone catcalling a girl then call that person out. Same goes for hateful words of homophobia and racism. No one deserves to be treated like garbage. If you are American then please call your local officials and tell them the things you want changed. Someone like the president should care about issues that impact everyone. Call him out on all of the crap he does. Vote him out. We cannot have this kind of stuff continuing to happen. It’s 2018. Do you really think it’s okay for people to be acting the way they do?

This also goes for anyone treated badly in the trans community. Say their names. Make sure whoever did the awful thing gets the rightful punishment. Same goes for rapists and pedophiles and child molesters. Do not let everyone those people who hurt others only have 6 months in prison. They should be sentenced accordingly.

Sorry I got slightly ranty. Words and ideas to finish this off are kinda hard to find.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

Day 24: Song

There isn’t just one song I listen to when I feel down. There’s a couple of albums that I love to listen to.

The Trick to Life by The Hoosiers is a real big one. It’s up there in my top 5 even though I just have a group without ever ranking them. I found this band through a Gravity Falls wip (that doesn’t sound right but I’m gonna go with it). That video which I have linked was honestly the most beautiful thing I had seen at the time. The whole music really made the video. Once I found that song I discovered their album then fell in love. A Sadness Runs Though Him and Clinging onto Life are definitely my favourite on the album but I do love them all. This is the album I listen to when I’m sad. It doesn’t exactly help me feel better but it fits the my mood. The album is 10 years old and that whole album is so damn good.

One I also listened to when I’m sad is Night Visions by Imagine Dragons. I used to listen all of the time in high school. I love that whole album so much. Nothing Left To Say / Rocks, Demons, It’s Time and Bleeding Out are my ultimate favourites. I used to listen to Nothing Left to Say / Rocks all of the time. That was my mood for such a long long time. This is the only album of Imagine Dragons that I actually like. The rest went far too radio and basically all sound the same.

The Wombats are also a great band that I listen to a whole lot. I love all of their songs. I do think that I’m cursed when it comes to The Wombats. Whenever they play in Australia, I’m never in the state. I heard about I found out about the morning after it happened. I was so damn annoyed. Every show after that I have either been in a different state or don’t know about it until it’s far too late. I would love to see them live one day. I reckon they would put on a great show. I also listen to panic! at the disco too. I entered the emo phase real late in my life. Everyone went into the emo phase when there like 10-11. I went into it maybe at the age of 15-16. I’m okay with that.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

Day 23: Bravery

I would not call myself brave in any way, shape or form. It’s because I’m not. I haven’t done anything that I would personally consider brave. Definitely not the kind of person to put myself out there. Then there’s every now and again where I get this courage out of thin air and actually speak my braveness. It doesn’t happen very often but I like it when it does.

I’m really bad at talking about myself apparently. It’s August and this was meant to be done ages ago. I’m not great at this. Talking about bravery makes me feel so little. My bravery isn’t very big and I’m genuinely struggling to write about it. Hence why its taken so bloody long. I don’t have much courage in me. There is some in me and I know that objectively. I just see all of these brave people in my life and the brave characters I read and see in movies and shows. I have never really seen myself as a brave character.

The only character I really saw myself as was Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. If you haven’t read or seen the movie, do it. It’s so bloody brilliant. Movie and book will work. The author directed the movie and he really does his story justice. Charlie is brave. I see him as brave. He’s brave to keep going after the events of his past and still able to make friends. At the pep rally (correct me if I’m wrong. I’m not an expert on american school events) Charlie gets up and says hi to one of the kids he recognised from one of his classes. I would never do that. I don’t even remember how I even made friends in high school. The first and second year are a complete blur. Third year is when memories actually began to set in.

The people I read and watch and listen about are braver than what I could ever be. I could slowly to become more brave. My life isn’t a brave. My first instinct is to hide and stay away from any danger. To keep myself hidden. This makes sense with considering everything I put myself through with my asexuality and me being gay. I kept myself completely hidden from everyone to make sure I was never hurt.

This is as far as I’m gonna talk about because I literally have nothing left.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation