It’s been nine months since October 2nd. I’m much better both mentally and emotionally compared to back then. I suppose they’re right. Time does heal wounds. I didn’t realise how much hurt words could cause me. “Where are you now with them?” I hear no one asking but I am going to share regardless.
Well, my dear readers, they are out of my life. I can breathe around them now. Exhaling and Inhaling. Although seeing the girl who wished death upon me does cause me to shake and my breath to catch. All memories of the pain she caused me flood back into my brain. I think she’s going to hurt me like that again and break me further. That’s what happened the last time I saw her. It was a mutual friends party. I was civil. He knew the damage she caused me but it’s fine. I’m a big girl. It was time to act like a grownup and pretend like they didn’t bother me. What amazes me is that they really didn’t bother me. I last saw them physically two months ago. They didn’t try to talk to me at all. In a way, I’m so glad they didn’t. There’s no way in hell I would have coped if they tried. I had people there who I felt comfortable with. I had company. Their continuous looks toward me didn’t feel as sharp as they were at the beginning of the night. They were daggers when I arrived and that is when I felt the most afraid. Except for one who I genuinely thought was still my friend. I should stop thinking this. He didn’t invite me to his birthday thing but invited somone I know doesn’t want to talk to him. I did the grownup thing by wishing him happy birthday. The mutual friend thought I couldn’t go because I was interstate which I was. I explained that to him and he couldn’t believe it. Turns out boys will stay loyal to their ex but not a friend of nearly ten years. I had a moment where I felt a little alone. People who I knew well hadn’t arrived just yet and I couldn’t exactly follow the birthday boy around like a lost puppy. I was okay. I think that is the most important part of this. I was alright. It was actually a really fun night. I forgot what it was like to have people around you who are nice.
I thought I attracted nice people. Turns out I really don’t. I attract people who pretend to be nice but stay loyal to a certain value or a longer friendship. Not much loyalty towards me however. It would explain my choice of friends who were girls. I had most of my friends who are girls either leave me or gave me no choice but to leave. That transition from primary school to high school was significant. I left the friends I went to primary school with because I thought I was so genuinely annoying and slow. Slow in a way of maturity of content. I was watching Harry Potter Puppet Pals while all of my other friends were watching Happy Tree Friends or My Little Pony (honestly don’t ask. I watched an episode and it was very much not my kind of thing. I did it to engage with what my friends were watching). I tried to enjoy their stuff no matter how scared it made me but they never really tried to go back to my level. My interests were not the same as theirs I was childish and a stickler for the rules. I didn’t want to leave the house at 1am to go to a nearby park at sleepovers because it wasn’t safe. I wasn’t that fun to hang around with.
I still think that to this day. I think I’m irritating and slow because I don’t interact with content I know I don’t like. An example of this is Deadpool. Now, this movie is not my kind of movie whatsoever. I’m not a fan of excessive blood, gore and crude humour. Give a cartoon that will make my heart hurt over that any day. I saw that movie to engage with my friends and I didn’t like it. There is a sex scene that goes for 10 minutes and it was a lot. Granted, I was 17 at the time but that was just a lot. Most of the humour went over my head anyway. I don’t really want to see someone get ripped to shreds. Emotional baggage however is something I love in movies. I can’t tell if this comes from my need to be liked by everyone (#justLibrathings oh I am gonna try to make that a thing if it isn’t) or if I was looking for approval from people I held in high regard. This could be another issue entirely. This could me looking for approval to belong. It’s like those nerdy kids in movies trying to be with the cool kids. I think it was a mixture of all these things.
I was thinking earlier today about certain things make me think about the people who aren’t my friends. It’s strange after someone hurts you or is no longer in your life how things become tainted. Well not tainted but it feels different. I can’t listen to any songs from Moana without thinking about them. Skullduggery Pleasant. Captain Marvel. (More on that topic in another blog). Certain characters in the Marvel universe. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Rick and Morty. Bojack Horseman. Stripped sweaters. Lines from shows. Characters from media I know they enjoy. Birthdays. Repeated memories from my house with them. I can’t live my life in the past. Reliving memories with people who I don’t want anything to do with anymore. One day I will be able to listen to Moana again without the thought of them. I will be able to be free. I am trying to be this person who is trying to be positive. I’m trying to move forward. Tears no longer fall from my eyes at the thought of it. What hurts the most is explaining it to everyone who doesn’t know about it.
I had these photos in my room. Photos of them. Reminders. I took them down and replaced them. I can not tell you how wonderful and liberating it felt to have them out. Why should I have reminders of them in my room? So I took everything that reminded me of them. Birthday cards. Photos. Books. Posters. Anything that had their faces on it or reminded me of them. I don’t need them in my room torturing me. That is something I have control over. I have the memories of them in my mind. The memories feel tainted. I will be okay because I am in theirs. Me, the “bully” of a single mistake, will be in their heads. I hope they don’t forget me. I wasted so much time after Febuary feeling like this was something I could reconcile. It wasn’t worth it. I can be the bigger person. I don’t have to hurt myself with “what ifs?”. That isn’t helpful. Recovering from something like this will take time. I have time to heal properly. No more wallowing in the past or tainted memories. I will be alright.
Thanks,
Toomuchtime
Toomuchtime 
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