Here we are. I managed to survive 2018. I survived my heinous year filled with heartbreak. I stopped posting my self-care-athon because it was all getting too much with my life and work. All of that fun jazz. Let me catch you guys up on what I’ve been doing since August. Wow. August seems like 100 years ago. This is a long one folks
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Well firstly, I started doing some online courses at the beginning of this year. I only did two because the third one looked way too intense. So I did a creative writing one which made me hate my writing more than I could ever imagine. I also did a screenwriting one as well which always made me hate all of my work and want to burn it all. Isn’t that super fun? I don’t know what it is about creative writing courses that make you hate what you write but it really made me think I was really bad at what I do. The screenwriting one was at least a little helpful. I now have a short film that I could film one day. That’s pretty neat.
I started to hate what I do for a living. I’m realising with age and wisdom that I can’t work for family. I can’t work for people who don’t let me do anything then complain about my lack of work. I just can’t do it. The arguing that comes with it and the fact I’m the buffer for every situation is infuriating. I simply can’t do it anymore. Family has always been something I can do in very small doses. I can’t do that every day. It’s so exhausting. I don’t want to hate this town as much as I hated the last.
I started to do a bullet journal and it’s bringing me so much joy. I’ve always liked being crafty and artsy. I haven’t done anything with art since I was in school and I learnt to hate it. (Why are all art subjects like this for me? Keep in mind, I got in trouble for drawing in art class once. Keep that in your minds). I associated me being bad at art to bring unable to do it so I stopped. Turns out, I love art as much as I did before I stopped. I love painting in watercolours and learning how to simply draw flowers. Lavenders are really nice to draw. I’ve been making quotes that make me happy and putting them in and just doing that brings me so much joy.
Now, when it comes to people I considered friends that list has gotten a lot smaller. Shit went down early October. Apparently I can’t ask people things without big long paragraphs about what a bad friend I’ve been over the year. I asked the friend if our plans that we made in January were still happening. I gave a “”friend“” space to breathe and gave her time like she asked and in return I get a long message about how awful I’ve been when I was simply doing what she wanted. Oh but it gets so much worse. So naturally I was really upset. I didn’t reply to the long message about what a bad friend I had been. I know what long messages starting with “hey don’t take this the wrong way but . . .” She also ended the message with “so how do you see our friendship at this point?” I didn’t reply because I was literally sobbing until 1:30 in the morning.
This is what I wrote privately after it happened through my tears
I asked the girl who I’m meant to see mamma mia with if we’re still going. She hasn’t spoken to me since May. She sent me a long ass message about what a bad person I am with the added ‘don’t take this the wrong way’. I’m crying and sad. I’m no longer friends with the girl who used to be my best friend
The next day, oh boy the next day, my sister tells me that the girl who started this whole mess posted something on her snapchat and it may be about me. I had just explained what had happened the night before to her and it was about me. So very clearly about me. On October 2nd of 2018, I got a death threat from a girl who used to be my friend. I think I was in shock for the rest of the day. My wonderful best friend came over to make sure I was okay and I can’t thank him enough for that small gesture. That meant the world to me. I saw my sister be the scariest I’ve ever seen her. She stood up for me because it’s never okay to wish death upon someone. I don’t know why she thought it was okay. She tried to make up lies about things I had called her when I hadn’t spoken a word about her like that. “”She“” made the decision to end our shitty friendship. I knew it was over from February. (I bolded and made italics to maybe make it easier to understand it’s two different people. Both are girls and I got confused writing it to be honest. I hope it comes across clearer than how I was reading it).
The next day, I cried on a bus with a bunch of people staring at me and met a nice girl in a bookshop. Crying on the bus is probably when it all set in. I at least had one of my “”friends“” mums on my side. She didn’t have much of an idea what had been happening but she knew her kid was in the wrong because I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I apologised for something I didn’t even want to just to keep the peace. My sister looked after writing messages to those certain people and she didn’t take any bullshit. I got an “apology” from her after it happened. It actually wasn’t an apology. It was more of a “sorry I got called out on bullshit but here’s the reasons that you’re the awful one here”. It’s no joke 5 paragraphs of bullshit because she got called out on it. She would never admit that she did anything wrong however. That’s simply the type of person she is.
I don’t have the best of luck with friends who are girls. There was another event after we finished school and I am so over it. I’m over blaming myself for letting the friendships destroy themselves. I am so tired of thinking that maybe it was me who was the problem and that maybe she was right. Maybe I was the worst friend imaginable and could have done more to stop this from happening. But it’s happened twice now. Twice. This time is only different because of the length of time. It started late January and ended in October. The worst part is that I had to see these people again.
I saw the two girls at a convention. I wrote something for me in my notes.
“I’m very tired of being sad but seeing the two girls who started the massive mess yesterday honestly broke me. I couldn’t breathe at the sight of them. The one who sent the death threat had her back to me so she didn’t notice. She saw me. I’m iffy about her. I don’t know how to feel but fuck. Being that scared is never that fun”
There was also something I meant to send my best friend but never did because I felt not great mentally. I also saw Boy Erased then saw her and I felt rattled (that’s the best way to describe it)
There was another thing I didn’t tell you yesterday after Kyle’s party. You kept asking if I was alright and I only said yes because I didn’t want you to worry. The movie probably didn’t help with what was going on and neither did seeing Chloe with Lily.
After everyone left it was just me, Kyle, Shaun, Christian, C****, Lily, Michael and the girl who I don’t want to name. It’s scares me how normal that felt. It’s probably the first time I’d ever been properly listened to by literally any of them in forever. I made jokes and got laughs. Michael didn’t even repeat what I said and get a better reaction.
It felt normal like this hellish lonely sad year didn’t happen. C**** didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and for a few hours she felt like a friend once again. It just felt like one normal night. My brain simply erased everything that had happened. That girl is a different story and I’m okay with her not being apart of it.
I think there’s a part of me who hopes she will see what she did was wrong and just apologise. I just want her to realise that my heart is broken in more pieces than I can count and how she stabbed me in the back. I feel like I’m slowly bleeding out. I want her to turn around and realise that I’ve actually done nothing wrong. I know it’s not going to happen but that’s what I think when I see her. I don’t think I’m ready to throw it all away with C**** like she has with me. Lily feels like my replacement. I know objectively that she isn’t but it feels that way. Someone else gets to be her friend and that person isn’t me. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.
I’m not like you with understanding what they did and how you can cut them out so easily. I wish I could do that but instead I torture myself again and again. I rethink all that happen and try to look for the things I actually did wrong. There isn’t anything which only makes it worse.
I’m so exhausted. This year, I am going to heal the wounds and watch the scars heal themselves. I’m actually going to university this year. I’m going to find a job I won’t hate and my life is going to go up rather than crashing further into the ground. I have done enough crying from mean girls. I’m not entirely okay right now but I will be in the future.
Also, I’m doubting my own sexuality again. When my life gets stressful, my brain thinks it’s a good idea to make me question myself sexuality wise. So very unsure if I’m gay or if I just have girl crushes. This is very new to me.
Thanks,
Toomuchtime
Toomuchtime 