The state of the world is currently scary (how it has been impacting me)

I will be saying right now that I will not be mentioning the virus by name. I don’t want that getting more publicity. It is quite scary seeing the news and only hearing the bad. I have honestly been trying to actively avoid it but it. I am finding the news to be too much for me to handle. I hope you all are staying safe and staying inside. If you have the privilege then please work from home and for goodness sakes please wash your hands for 20 seconds with soap.

My university moved all classes online before there was a confirmed case. For those who don’t know I live in Australia so it isn’t as bad as it is in other countries. I feel almost robbed of my first year of university. I’m doing an education degree so it’s a bit hard to move all of those classes online (I’m currently doing a dance class online and it is so confusing). I feel robbed because I felt like my life was finally on track. I was in the degree I dreamed about, I was ready to make friends. I was ready. The universe said no. I feel frustrated because I found people I really wanted to get to know because they seemed cool. I thought about joining a sport which is crazy for me. I wanted to play badminton because it was the only sport in high school that I felt like I had some talent in. I was ready to get my life in order for my future. Now I feel like I’m getting set back yet again. I feel as if the universe doesn’t want me to be happy which is silly. Everything happens for a reason. Many people dropped out or deferred to next semester because they can’t learn online. I’m struggling with this. Learning online is a skill I never mastered. Online learning is also strange. It doesn’t feel real. Also not many of my tutors know how to use online classes so they’re all super close to the camera while trying to figure out who’s online. Hopefully this will all be over soon and I will be at my university with a routine that allows me to leave the house 4 days a week.

I’m introverted and this is my worst nightmare. I haven’t been truly alone for weeks. I crave the time where the house is all mine and I can do what I want. Now I’m constantly home with a fear to leave the house. I don’t want that. I have spoken to my friends over snapchat but I never realised how much I crave human interaction from them. I can’t hug anyone. I’m an affectionate person and I’m struggling. Mentally, I could be better. I’ve cried maybe six time through the weeks I’ve been home. I feel stressed out when my nose is blocked from hay fever and instantly think that I may have it. I am so anxious that I’m just simply afraid. Although I’ve been lying to myself saying that it was about Steven Universe ending which made me SOB. I’ll talk about that show and its impact on me in a different blog. I need to get my feelings out about that show without sobbing. I feel, in a way to simplify how I’m feeling, helpless. There’s nothing I can do to help. I can’t go out and help someone. I have people in my family with compromised immune systems. I can’t do that to them. My grandfather who had recently had cancer (he had surgery to get it removed and it fine now but I’m a worrier) is already a germaphobe. He doesn’t hug us before we’ve entered the house. That was before this whole virus came out. He doesn’t want us at their house until it’s safe and takes naps in the car (he has been doing this for years now and it’s a bit funny).

My last message is for you dear reader. I wish for you to be safe. I hope that no one in your family or friends is impacted. I hope you are doing well. Please don’t outside unless you seriously have to. Don’t be that person hoarding toilet paper because you’re a dick and society is making fun of you. Take care of yourselves and stay safe.

Thanks

Toomuchtime

A year on from something bad

October 2nd will also be a day that I will have to think about. The double take to my day. That’s today. It’s been a whole year since I lost most of my friends and received a death threat over something that didn’t concern her. I thought I would be an actual mess today. Full of anxiety and constantly thinking about it. I haven’t. It’s nearly 5 o’clock and I’m only now thinking about it. The day was scary. I felt so many emotions all at once and I was shown what real friends look like. October 2nd used to be something I was scared to think about. Now it’s here and I realised it’s just another day. There are more important things to be worried about. There are much better things to be looking forward to.

I tend to focus on the negatives when something happens to me and that is something I am learning to stop doing. I’m a realist when it comes to thinking. I’m trying to become a realist when it comes to remembering the things in my life. My life last year felt prolonged and an event was stretched out much longer than what it should have been. I had been alienated by those friends who were bad and I just accepted it. Why did I accept it? It was much easier that way to do so. They didn’t want my time then fine. They wanted to exclude me. Fine. They want to make me feel like the bad guy even though I had done nothing wrong. Fine. I will be okay. It may hurt now but I will be okay.

It did hurt. So much. Emotional pain hurts more than being physically hurt by someone. These people thought it was okay to step over me. Take advantage of my kindness and hospitality. Take advantage of me as a person. The moment I stood up and said no they sent a wave. I nearly drowned. My year last year was a bit nuts. After the death threat, I went to go Panic! at the Disco live in concert with my cousin. I went interstate to escape because that’s what I needed. I needed to get away from the state and the black cloud. There was only so much pain my heart could take before it broke. I found the pieces slowly and it’s getting there to stick it back together. Slowly but surely my heart will be full and put back together soon.

I’ve learned to know that what happened through all of 2018 was actually not my fault. I knew it wasn’t my fault but finally letting myself accept that I did nothing wrong was liberating. I didn’t cause these people pain. I didn’t cause trauma or intentionally try to stir the pot. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was hard to accept last year since it was all shoved in my face. That I had apparently done the unspeakable. How dare I invite people I want to my own house? How dare I not cater to your every whim? I’m almost glad I don’t know those people anymore. I talked about this in Tainted Memories  but there are dates and media that just remind me of them. That won’t go away and I know that without doubt. It doesn’t matter though. I will be here and trying to live my best live and that feels like a real achievement on my part.

It’s gotten much easier to talk about as well. I’ve been talking with my friends and writing about my thoughts into notes and all that to help me. Explaining what happened to me to people I don’t know very well has been going well so far. Girls are becoming easier to trust again. I wrote a letter to my former girl best friend and wrote everything that I was so furious about that she had done to me. In saying that, I did write about what happened last year for an assignment and that did not leave me in a very good headspace. So here’s some advice:

Don’t write about your trauma for school. It won’t end well and it will leave you thinking about it constantly. You don’t want that. Trust me as someone who has done it twice now. Just don’t do it

The letter was helpful to get my frustrations out. I want to print it out one day and burn it along with the photos that I have of them. I don’t need that reminder of them anymore.

I think that’s all I wanted to write. I have moved on and feel so much better because of it.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

Tainted Memories

It’s been nine months since October 2nd. I’m much better both mentally and emotionally compared to back then. I suppose they’re right. Time does heal wounds. I didn’t realise how much hurt words could cause me. “Where are you now with them?” I hear no one asking but I am going to share regardless.

Well, my dear readers, they are out of my life. I can breathe around them now. Exhaling and Inhaling. Although seeing the girl who wished death upon me does cause me to shake and my breath to catch. All memories of the pain she caused me flood back into my brain. I think she’s going to hurt me like that again and break me further. That’s what happened the last time I saw her. It was a mutual friends party. I was civil. He knew the damage she caused me but it’s fine. I’m a big girl. It was time to act like a grownup and pretend like they didn’t bother me. What amazes me is that they really didn’t bother me. I last saw them physically two months ago. They didn’t try to talk to me at all. In a way, I’m so glad they didn’t. There’s no way in hell I would have coped if they tried. I had people there who I felt comfortable with. I had company. Their continuous looks toward me didn’t feel as sharp as they were at the beginning of the night. They were daggers when I arrived and that is when I felt the most afraid. Except for one who I genuinely thought was still my friend. I should stop thinking this. He didn’t invite me to his birthday thing but invited somone I know doesn’t want to talk to him. I did the grownup thing by wishing him happy birthday. The mutual friend thought I couldn’t go because I was interstate which I was. I explained that to him and he couldn’t believe it. Turns out boys will stay loyal to their ex but not a friend of nearly ten years. I had a moment where I felt a little alone. People who I knew well hadn’t arrived just yet and I couldn’t exactly follow the birthday boy around like a lost puppy. I was okay. I think that is the most important part of this. I was alright. It was actually a really fun night. I forgot what it was like to have people around you who are nice.

I thought I attracted nice people. Turns out I really don’t. I attract people who pretend to be nice but stay loyal to a certain value or a longer friendship. Not much loyalty towards me however. It would explain my choice of friends who were girls. I had most of my friends who are girls either leave me or gave me no choice but to leave. That transition from primary school to high school was significant. I left the friends I went to primary school with because I thought I was so genuinely annoying and slow. Slow in a way of maturity of content. I was watching Harry Potter Puppet Pals while all of my other friends were watching Happy Tree Friends or My Little Pony (honestly don’t ask. I watched an episode and it was very much not my kind of thing. I did it to engage with what my friends were watching). I tried to enjoy their stuff no matter how scared it made me but they never really tried to go back to my level. My interests were not the same as theirs I was childish and a stickler for the rules. I didn’t want to leave the house at 1am to go to a nearby park at sleepovers because it wasn’t safe. I wasn’t that fun to hang around with.

I still think that to this day. I think I’m irritating and slow because I don’t interact with content I know I don’t like. An example of this is Deadpool. Now, this movie is not my kind of movie whatsoever. I’m not a fan of excessive blood, gore and crude humour. Give a cartoon that will make my heart hurt over that any day. I saw that movie to engage with my friends and I didn’t like it. There is a sex scene that goes for 10 minutes and it was a lot. Granted, I was 17 at the time but that was just a lot. Most of the humour went over my head anyway. I don’t really want to see someone get ripped to shreds. Emotional baggage however is something I love in movies. I can’t tell if this comes from my need to be liked by everyone (#justLibrathings oh I am gonna try to make that a thing if it isn’t) or if I was looking for approval from people I held in high regard. This could be another issue entirely. This could me looking for approval to belong. It’s like those nerdy kids in movies trying to be with the cool kids. I think it was a mixture of all these things.

I was thinking earlier today about certain things make me think about the people who aren’t my friends. It’s strange after someone hurts you or is no longer in your life how things become tainted. Well not tainted but it feels different. I can’t listen to any songs from Moana without thinking about them. Skullduggery Pleasant. Captain Marvel. (More on that topic in another blog). Certain characters in the Marvel universe. Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Rick and Morty. Bojack Horseman. Stripped sweaters. Lines from shows. Characters from media I know they enjoy. Birthdays. Repeated memories from my house with them. I can’t live my life in the past. Reliving memories with people who I don’t want anything to do with anymore. One day I will be able to listen to Moana again without the thought of them. I will be able to be free. I am trying to be this person who is trying to be positive. I’m trying to move forward. Tears no longer fall from my eyes at the thought of it. What hurts the most is explaining it to everyone who doesn’t know about it.

I took these down and replaced them. What a big step for me

 

I had these photos in my room. Photos of them. Reminders. I took them down and replaced them. I can not tell you how wonderful and liberating it felt to have them out. Why should I have reminders of them in my room? So I took everything that reminded me of them. Birthday cards. Photos. Books. Posters. Anything that had their faces on it or reminded me of them. I don’t need them in my room torturing me. That is something I have control over. I have the memories of them in my mind. The memories feel tainted. I will be okay because I am in theirs. Me, the “bully” of a single mistake, will be in their heads. I hope they don’t forget me. I wasted so much time after Febuary feeling like this was something I could reconcile. It wasn’t worth it. I can be the bigger person. I don’t have to hurt myself with “what ifs?”. That isn’t helpful. Recovering from something like this will take time. I have time to heal properly. No more wallowing in the past or tainted memories. I will be alright.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

 

New year, same me

Here we are. I managed to survive 2018. I survived my heinous year filled with heartbreak. I stopped posting my self-care-athon because it was all getting too much with my life and work. All of that fun jazz. Let me catch you guys up on what I’ve been doing since August. Wow. August seems like 100 years ago.  This is a long one folks

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Well firstly, I started doing some online courses at the beginning of this year. I only did two because the third one looked way too intense. So I did a creative writing one which made me hate my writing more than I could ever imagine. I also did a screenwriting one as well which always made me hate all of my work and want to burn it all. Isn’t that super fun? I don’t know what it is about creative writing courses that make you hate what you write but it really made me think I was really bad at what I do. The screenwriting one was at least a little helpful. I now have a short film that I could film one day. That’s pretty neat.

I started to hate what I do for a living. I’m realising with age and wisdom that I can’t work for family. I can’t work for people who don’t let me do anything then complain about my lack of work. I just can’t do it. The arguing that comes with it and the fact I’m the buffer for every situation is infuriating. I simply can’t do it anymore. Family has always been something I can do in very small doses. I can’t do that every day. It’s so exhausting. I don’t want to hate this town as much as I hated the last.

I started to do a bullet journal and it’s bringing me so much joy. I’ve always liked being crafty and artsy. I haven’t done anything with art since I was in school and I learnt to hate it. (Why are all art subjects like this for me? Keep in mind, I got in trouble for drawing in art class once. Keep that in your minds). I associated me being bad at art to bring unable to do it so I stopped. Turns out, I love art as much as I did before I stopped. I love painting in watercolours and learning how to simply draw flowers. Lavenders are really nice to draw. I’ve been making quotes that make me happy and putting them in and just doing that brings me so much joy.

Now, when it comes to people I considered friends that list has gotten a lot smaller. Shit went down early October. Apparently I can’t ask people things without big long paragraphs about what a bad friend I’ve been over the year.  I asked the friend if our plans that we made in January were still happening. I gave a “”friend“” space to breathe and gave her time like she asked and in return I get a long message about how awful I’ve been when I was simply doing what she wanted. Oh but it gets so much worse. So naturally I was really upset. I didn’t reply to the long message about what a bad friend I had been. I know what long messages starting with “hey don’t take this the wrong way but . . .” She also ended the message with “so how do you see our friendship at this point?” I didn’t reply because I was literally sobbing until 1:30 in the morning.

This is what I wrote privately after it happened through my tears

I asked the girl who I’m meant to see mamma mia with if we’re still going. She hasn’t spoken to me since May. She sent me a long ass message about what a bad person I am with the added ‘don’t take this the wrong way’. I’m crying and sad. I’m no longer friends with the girl who used to be my best friend

The next day, oh boy the next day, my sister tells me that the girl who started this whole mess posted something on her snapchat and it may be about me. I had just explained what had happened the night before to her and it was about me. So very clearly about me. On October 2nd of 2018, I got a death threat from a girl who used to be my friend. I think I was in shock for the rest of the day. My wonderful best friend came over to make sure I was okay and I can’t thank him enough for that small gesture. That meant the world to me. I saw my sister be the scariest I’ve ever seen her. She stood up for me because it’s never okay to wish death upon someone. I don’t know why she thought it was okay. She tried to make up lies about things I had called her when I hadn’t spoken a word about her like that. “”She“” made the decision to end our shitty friendship. I knew it was over from February. (I bolded and made italics to maybe make it easier to understand it’s two different people. Both are girls and I got confused writing it to be honest. I hope it comes across clearer than how I was reading it).

The next day, I cried on a bus with a bunch of people staring at me and met a nice girl in a bookshop. Crying on the bus is probably when it all set in. I at least had one of my “”friends“” mums on my side. She didn’t have much of an idea what had been happening but she knew her kid was in the wrong because I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I apologised for something I didn’t even want to just to keep the peace. My sister looked after writing messages to those certain people and she didn’t take any bullshit. I got an “apology” from her after it happened. It actually wasn’t an apology. It was more of a “sorry I got called out on bullshit but here’s the reasons that you’re the awful one here”. It’s no joke 5 paragraphs of bullshit because she got called out on it. She would never admit that she did anything wrong however. That’s simply the type of person she is.

I don’t have the best of luck with friends who are girls. There was another event after we finished school and I am so over it. I’m over blaming myself for letting the friendships destroy themselves. I am so tired of thinking that maybe it was me who was the problem and that maybe she was right. Maybe I was the worst friend imaginable and could have done more to stop this from happening. But it’s happened twice now. Twice. This time is only different because of the length of time. It started late January and ended in October. The worst part is that I had to see these people again.

I saw the two girls at a convention. I wrote something for me in my notes.

“I’m very tired of being sad but seeing the two girls who started the massive mess yesterday honestly broke me. I couldn’t breathe at the sight of them. The one who sent the death threat had her back to me so she didn’t notice. She saw me. I’m iffy about her. I don’t know how to feel but fuck. Being that scared is never that fun”

There was also something I meant to send my best friend but never did because I felt not great mentally. I also saw Boy Erased then saw her and I felt rattled (that’s the best way to describe it)

There was another thing I didn’t tell you yesterday after Kyle’s party. You kept asking if I was alright and I only said yes because I didn’t want you to worry. The movie probably didn’t help with what was going on and neither did seeing Chloe with Lily.

After everyone left it was just me, Kyle, Shaun, Christian, C****, Lily, Michael and the girl who I don’t want to name. It’s scares me how normal that felt. It’s probably the first time I’d ever been properly listened to by literally any of them in forever. I made jokes and got laughs. Michael didn’t even repeat what I said and get a better reaction.

It felt normal like this hellish lonely sad year didn’t happen. C**** didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and for a few hours she felt like a friend once again. It just felt like one normal night. My brain simply erased everything that had happened. That girl is a different story and I’m okay with her not being apart of it.

I think there’s a part of me who hopes she will see what she did was wrong and just apologise. I just want her to realise that my heart is broken in more pieces than I can count and how she stabbed me in the back. I feel like I’m slowly bleeding out. I want her to turn around and realise that I’ve actually done nothing wrong. I know it’s not going to happen but that’s what I think when I see her. I don’t think I’m ready to throw it all away with C**** like she has with me. Lily feels like my replacement. I know objectively that she isn’t but it feels that way. Someone else gets to be her friend and that person isn’t me. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I’m not like you with understanding what they did and how you can cut them out so easily. I wish I could do that but instead I torture myself again and again. I rethink all that happen and try to look for the things I actually did wrong. There isn’t anything which only makes it worse.

I’m so exhausted. This year, I am going to heal the wounds and watch the scars heal themselves. I’m actually going to university this year. I’m going to find a job I won’t hate and my life is going to go up rather than crashing further into the ground. I have done enough crying from mean girls. I’m not entirely okay right now but I will be in the future.

Also, I’m doubting my own sexuality again. When my life gets stressful, my brain thinks it’s a good idea to make me question myself sexuality wise. So very unsure if I’m gay or if I just have girl crushes. This is very new to me.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

Day 21: Talk

Okay how did I not know you could add gifs as the feature photo. That’s so cool!!

I’m not very good at having talks with people. Not sure if that’s because of my inability to think that anyone would actually listen to what I have to say or something else. I’ve been called quiet my entire life because I have never had the chance to actually talk. People will try to have “adult talks” with me like my grandma with my weight and my mum with literally everything I don’t want to talk about. I don’t know why people think forcing the conversation on me is a good way to go about talking to me. It’s never worked. I only get annoyed and go back into the silence.

I’m very comfortable with silences. They don’t bother me all that much. Forced conversations about what I’m doing with my life bother me way more. I don’t like talking about my weight as I’ve already spoken about before. I’m an Australian size 12. That’s not even considered overweight. I’m average. The average size of a woman (that I could find so these are probably American stats) is a size 16. I’ve struggled with the fact I’ve been told that I’m so big and need (actual key word) to lose weight so I’m not the biggest of my friends. Gee thanks. It’s not like I already feel like that. I don’t know why telling me is going to help anything. I’ve been called fat by my family ever since I was about 10. My cousin called me fat once he learnt the meaning of the word. My brothers now do it even though I don’t think they understand the meaning. It feels like bullying at this point but I don’t say anything because if I do it sounds like I’m being disrespectful. I can’t win in the conversation I didn’t want to be a part of. My grandma was telling me how I shouldn’t be hurt because it’s the truth. There’s a time and place to say these things. She doesn’t have that filter that tells you ‘wait that’s not nice’.

One day I’ll be strong enough to stand up for myself but every single attempt fails. I’ve just gotten to the point where I would need to move out so I don’t have to have these conversations forced on me. I need to have a job away from my family so I don’t have to have that anymore. I feel like my family is so close and invading what I’m trying to mark as my personal space. I can’t breathe and I can’t escape so I need to get out soon otherwise I’m not sure how much more I can really take.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

Day 14: Squad

squad

Crew, posse, gang: an informal group of individuals with a common identity and a sense of solidarity. The term is a bit flashy and is more likely to be heard in hip-hop lyrics than in spoken conversation.

Oh boy here we go.

I never been very good at friends or making them. I’m even worse at keeping them apparently. I dislike that this is on here but I will write about it anyway. It’s better to have my dumb thoughts about the dumb situation. Maybe I’ll feel better because I feel so shit right now.

I’ll have the warning now that this will most likely be me complaining about the people I thought were my friends aren’t anymore and how I wish these people were still my friends. (Also this blog post is brought to you by my anger with Someone gets Hurts (reprise) from Mean Girls the Musical which is real good. Barrett Wilbert Weed has such an amazing voice)

This is a long one.

 

Before I get into that, let me talk about my best friend. My wonderful best friend who I love very dearly (platonically). Yes I’ve talked about him quite a lot in this self-care-a-thon because he genuinely makes me so damn happy. Also with all of this situation, I don’t know where he got all of this confidence from to say ‘nope they’re not my friends anymore’. I wish some of that. I suppose he has that because it’s been building up for such a long time. He’d been getting annoyed at our other friend (who is an idiot by the way) for only hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and not him, his best friend. He had been getting real flakey when hanging out with my best friend and it had just started piling up. My best friend is now ‘lol bye people I can make new friends. I deserve better than that shit’. At least I’m guessing that’s what is going through his head. I’m hoping that’s what is going through his head.

The whole thing felt like my fault from the beginning. After it all happened, I was so confused, very shaky and very close to crying. Most things that go wrong in my friendship group feel like my fault anyway. I don’t resolve things properly. I just cut all ties and then hope with every ounce of my body to never see them again. It was like that with my primary school friends but nothing all that major happened between me and them. Granted, they did bully me and made me feel so damn alone that I didn’t see the point of even making friends or this was normal. From that, I spent a lot of time in the library and found my love for reading. My love for it was already there but it definitely grew in the third grade. I became a library monitor until I graduated primary school and that was the best 4 years of my life. (I also went into the library a lot because I kept losing my hat and there was a “No hat No play” rule. I lost about either 19 or 21 hats in my seven years of primary school) My friends social bullied me. The definition of social bullying from the National Centre Against Bullying is:

“Social bullying

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as covert bullying, is often harder to recognise and can be carried out behind the bullied person’s back. It is designed to harm someone’s social reputation and/or cause humiliation. Social bullying includes:

• lying and spreading rumours
• negative facial or physical gestures, menacing or contemptuous looks
• playing nasty jokes to embarrass and humiliate
• mimicking unkindly
• encouraging others to socially exclude someone
• damaging someone’s social reputation or social acceptance.”

The ones that are in bold are exactly what they did while they were bullying me. At the time I didn’t even think anything of it at the time. I never told a teacher or my mum because I thought my friends were just being mean and running away from me. It would be over soon, I remember thinking.

Then there was the day I got pushed. The day that actually made me think ‘wait this isn’t normal’. We were in maths and learning about addition and subtraction. We were told to go into groups and I went into the group with my friends in it. The ringleader, (who I will only name with her first name) Caitlin, pushed me out of the group and I remember her laughing. My teacher didn’t see and told me to go back into the group, I guess she must have thought I was being indecisive about which group to. Caitlin eventually moved schools and it was only then that my friends thought “oh we were actually really mean to Sofia“. Which, looking back on that now, I think they knew that they were being awful toward me but none of them did anything to stop it. I only realised I was actually being bullied the year later because I stupidly let them all of them be friends with me. After primary school we all drifted and I don’t want them in my life once again. They keep trying to organise for us all to meet up and I’m just not interested. I burnt those bridges and I don’t want them back.

I apparently didn’t learn from all of that. I feel like I’m in the whole thing all over again. I feel so isolated from literally everyone. They don’t ask me anymore if I want to hang out with them. They just flaunt how they’re all hanging out on literally everything. I used to make plans and they would all change them the moment I went offline. I feel like I’m not justified to be mad or furious. That only equals them acting like I’m the one being ridiculous. I can’t fix everything. I’m really am trying to learn that I can’t fix everything.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

Day 11: Encourage

encourage

verb

1. give support, confidence, or hope to (someone).

Encouragement is something I try to give to people. Everyone needs encouragement every now and again and if I can help in any way possible then I will. I won’t force it onto someone else because that’s not fair on the other person. Encouragement is something I wish I got more often. Yes, I could simply encourage myself to keep myself going but I don’t think I have much of that left for myself. I give it all to someone else because in my mind, everyone else needs it more than me.

Recently I have been wanting to do online therapy. At the moment, I am trying to find somewhere online that is free or at least affordable. I don’t want to be spending hundreds of dollars on a service I may only use once a week. I want to find somewhere that is LGBT+ friendly so I don’t have to be worried but if I do say something about it the other person won’t say they can’t help. I also want it to be preferably Australian but if I find a place I love and it’s not Australian then I won’t be mad.

I’ve tried 7 Cups and did not like it. The app was not easy to use, super outdated and didn’t answer my questions about the price. The bot wasn’t helpful and I just wanted something to help me feel better about everything I’m going through. The whole thing didn’t last very long so I don’t really recommend using it unless you want to actually try it. I didn’t put my details in because I was afraid it would charge me instantly and I wouldn’t be able to cancel it. Next, I tried Pride Counselling which is by Betterhelp I believe. I was also really close to actually trying this out then I saw how much it cost. $45USD a week for the first 3 months then $25USD after that. That seems like so much money for the first 3 months. It was going so well to where you got to see the qualification that the therapist actually had and what they specialised in. I loved that.  I would be doing it if it wasn’t the price. A lot of are a pay weekly which I don’t like.

I’ll continue my search for somewhere good for me. I’ve just come to the conclusion that therapy, whether it be in person or online is expensive. Most therapist charge between $80-$120 but that’s basically what you’re paying monthly if you are going to go through online therapy. It should be free online. It should bloody be free alright?

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

(I’m sorry it’s so short but I really struggled with this and this was the best I could come up with. If anyone has any therapy places online that are reasonably priced then put it in the comments. I’ll totally check it out)

Day 8: Re-Charge

Sometimes we all need to re-charge from our mundane lives. This is why most people go on holiday so they get out of that routine of doing the same thing every day. The idea to re-charge yourself is to think of yourself as a battery. Flat ones don’t work so it’s better to have yourself at full so you can do everything you need. It’s the reason why we sleep at night to re-charge ourselves from the day. For me, this is not why I sleep. Of course I sleep to help myself be alright for the next day but I sleep to get yesterday over with. Get it in the past as quickly as possible and let the next day get on with. I go visit other states to help myself re-charge from being around my family 24/7 and actually let myself relax for the first time in probably months. I go on random interstate holidays with my best friend and they are honestly the most fun I have throughout the year. I’m glad I have someone to take for random adventures I want to.

Re-charging has always been really important to my mental health. I am completely introverted and being around people all of the time is just exhausting. I can’t handle that on a constant basis. So I need that time to enjoy my own company and just spend time with me. It was unbelievably exciting to find people I didn’t feel exhausted hanging out with for a long time. That made me happy. I was on holiday with my grandmother and it was one of those organised tours. I didn’t feel great (and I was the youngest person by about 30 years) and I just needed some time on my own. My grandmother didn’t understand why I needed this and got mad at me. This is apparently what happens in my family since my mum does this too. They both get mad at the things they don’t understand. That would be their first reaction which is honestly annoying. I don’t think I do this and hopefully I don’t.

My batteries always seem to be needing re-charging. I feel like I am usually on that warning signal that I need charging for months on end then eventually get charged. I’ll feel okay for a while then slowly go back to that warning. That doesn’t seem normal to me. I don’t think any of my other friends have this problem. I felt like this even in high school. Most days I don’t even remember since I was that stuck in a routine of classes that my mind went away for the week. It would return when or if something exciting or not great happened.

In spite in all of that, I do feel re-charged by going to conventions. I love being around other people who are just as excited to be there as I am. This may be the only really social event I genuinely like. I also love it because it was a guaranteed that I would be able see my friends. I don’t know how this is going to go since this year none of my friends have really spoken and everyone is kinda fighting. My best friend seems pretty sure he doesn’t want to be friends with these people anymore and I’m glad he’s come to that decision but I don’t know where I stand with any of them. It’s hard and I have plans later in the year with one of them who is unsure if we’re still friends. I hope she can make up her mind soon. I want her to be my friend. I can’t take another heartbreak.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation

Day 7: Learn

learn

verb

1. gain or acquire knowledge of or skill in (something) by study, experience, or being taught.

What have I learnt this year? It’s been six months now and surely I have learnt something in this time period. In all honesty, I haven’t learnt a single damn thing from what happened between my friends since a large part of me wants to continue being friends with these people. Well at least most of these people. I’ve lasted this long for a reason and I didn’t start a fight I knew I couldn’t win. I didn’t want to purposely lose all of my friends. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve needed to ask if I’m cool with these people I held so such a high regard. One friend still isn’t sure even though the issue didn’t involve her. This is the first time in my life without a girl friend in my life and it sucks. The boys I am friends with are super great but it’s just not the same thing. I never understood how much I needed a girl friend to tell things I can’t tell boys.

I held her in such high regard and now it feels like this friendship means nothing. I have known her 6 years. 6 years is a long time to know someone and get to know them and be friends with them. It feels like nothing now and I can’t tell if I am overreacting over losing yet another friend or if I am the smallest pit of being upset and am very unsure if I have the right to be feeling this way. Whoever said losing friends was easier than losing a romantic partner are liars. Romantic partners come and go but some friends truly stay forever. I’m grateful for the ones that want to stay. I thought they would have all left me in the dust while they continued on with their lives. I would be alone and just hoped and prayed that someone liked me for who I showed myself to be. In simple terms, I need new friends but am so scared of those ones leaving me that I never even made the chance.

Friends have always been hard for me. The friends I made in primary school bullied me when we were all in the third grade then left me by the time high school came around. My high school friends left me after I made a mistake and I’m not at university so I can make a guess on how that will go. Do I not learn from any of this? I clearly don’t since I keep putting myself up for failure then surprised at the outcome. How do I learn from this? I still want to be friends with most of my high school friends. None of them have really spoken to me since it happened and that was about six months ago. 6 long months of me being alone. 6 long months of me crying and wondering if I am actually gonna have friends by the end of this year. 6 months of hoping someone would reach out to me to talk. 6 long months of seeing them all hang out and flaunt it all on snapchat and Facebook about what a great time they’re having while I’m at home alone and sad. Every year since high school it has felt like I have less and less friends by the next year. At the moment I have maybe 4 friends. It feels like torture.

Maybe I’ll learn that not everyone I make friends with is going to leave me. Maybe I’ll learn that I need to let go of some people no matter how much it hurts to let them go. Maybe I won’t have those thoughts that make this all seem like it is all my fault.

Thanks,

Toomuchtime

#theblurtfoundation